This is not gonna work

Another month have passed just waiting for her reply. I was trying to get busy with my life and pretending to myself.
“I am busy, happy and don’t need anyone” I convince myself every time i feel alone.
Finally after the month time i tried hard to ignore her but couldn’t resist further. It was a very boring afternoon and i was having nothing to do.
“hey, how are you?” I dropped her a message after too much struggle with myself. i couldn’t resist myself and finally dropped my weapon and pinged her.
“I am fine.” a simple reply popped in my inbox.
“Should i reply her? Why such a formal reply?Isn’t she interested anymore?” a lot of questions popped into my mind simultaneously. Finally i decided to drop one more message.
“If you are free, shall we go out?” I pinged her
“When? Where?” i got the reply.
“Oh finally,means she is interested” I convinced myself.
“This evening. to some place” I replied back.
“Ok!! lets go” and the meeting confirmed.
I was very happy and eagerly waited for that evening to come.
“When are we going” A message popped on my screen at 4 PM.
“lets go in 15 mins” I replied.
“Ok!! I will be ready”
I started my bike and approached to her flat with so many questions in my mind. I was meeting her almost after a month. I was excited and confused at the same time. this was a mixed feeling and both the feeling were struggling to dominate over each other.
I saw a girl coming from far end of the straight road in latest trendy dress, a less known face, completely changed hairstyle, dress-up and hard to recognize.
“Do i know her?” I asked to myself.
“Yeah, may be she is Roshni” i got a reply from myself.
with a confusion, i stopped my bike near her. she was looking at me and approached.
“Shall we go?” A sweet voice knocked on my ear drum & i got the confirmation it is her.
“Yeah…..yeah we will go” I replied. my voice could easily tell how nervous i were.
“So, a good change. hard to recognize” I continued the conversation.
“Yeah, whenever i have feel tensed i do some or other changes” she replied.
“Like my hairstyle, dressing anything. change is necessary it tells you are alive……” and she continued for another 20 minutes.
“Cool…!!” I replied after a long time when i got a chance to speak something.
“Then what was the tension this time which forced you for the change?” I continued the conversation
“Nah, nothing. simply it has been long since i did any change in myself so thought to do it in this long weekend” She replied with a convincing answer.
“hmmmmm…” I replied simply and we reached our destination.
After a long walk we decided to sit at some place and continue our chat.
“This is a nice evening” i initiated.
“Yes, this is” She replied gazing at the fountain next to us.
“So have you ever been to this place”
“No, This is the first time” she replied
We continued our chat about some or other thing and finally she initiated the long awaiting conversation.
“Raaj, I think nothing can happen between us” She told with a sad voice. I can feel the confusion, fear and uncertainity in her voice. I was unable to digest the words and kept silence for few minutes.
“Did you hear what i told?” She asked me again after couple of minutes.
“Yeah, i do. Why do you think so?” I asked
“Simply. I thought and this can not happen” she replied in the same tone.
“Oh, so without any reason you have decided this can not going to work?” I asked
“Nothing like that, my family your family” finally she spitted out her major concern.
“Why are you thinking all this at this stage” I tried convincing her.
“lets know each other first then we will think about other thing” I continued.
“No, I know” and she continued with few examples of her friends and family. She was trying to convince herself that this can not work.
“Let’s be friends” She replied after a long silence.
“No, i can not be in friend zone, but yes i do promise you I will always be there when you need someone.” I promised her refusing the friendship proposal.
“Why? Why can’t we be friends?” She asked surprisingly.
“I can’t be your friend alone. I loved you and i can not see you as friend on the first priority” I told her.
“Raaj, this is not possible” she again tried convincing me and herself at the same moment.
“Fine then, Lets not meet from today onward. But yes, if you need someone at any point of life I will always be there” I told finally knowing this will be a endless discussion and decided not to meet her again.
“Let’s go” I asked her after a long silence.
“Ya” a soft voice i heard. by that voice i can easily judge she is not in a mood to leave. but i was broken from inside and don’t want to spend a single second there. ignoring her feeling i stood up and approached outside. she followed me. we started our journey towards our flats.
“Shall we have our last dinner?” i asked her.
“Yes” She replied instantly as if she was waiting for this question.
We approached to the restaurant for our last dinner..
to be continued…

The proposal

I still remember that evening. It was a very sad evening. She was not promoted & did not get a good hike and so was i. But i was least bothered and she was most. I think she was the most bothered creature that evening and was reacting like she has lost the war of her life. I asked
“Shall we go”
“No, not today”
“Why, what happened?”
“No mood, I am not in a good mood”
“Why? Is is hike or something”
“Yeah” she replied.
“C’mon leave it, come you will feel better” I insisted. after convincing her she was ready but with a bad mood.

We started and i was planning where to go till we reach to the main road.
“Lets go to the mall” I asked her
“Raj, can not we go some other day” She replied by my name.
“No, we will go today and please come out of this mood. you have not lost a battle” I insisted.
“No, nothing like that but i am in a very bad mood”  she replied.
“Ok, lets go roam around you will be alright. even i am on the same floor but i don’t care” I convinced her.
“Ok, lets go” finally she got convinced and we started.

It was a long silence before she asked
“Are you going to kidnap me”
“Whaaaaat?? Why?” I replied with a furious voice.
“You are driving for past half hrs and still we din’t ended up anywhere”
“Oh, ya i forgot. i am going to call your father for exchange. I am thinking how much should i ask” I replied with a funny tone.
“You won’t get a single penny” she replied with a happiness in her voice. Finally, i felt she came out of that mood.
“Why, you are not worth of a penny or Jharkhandi’s have nothing to pay except coal” I cracked a joke and our conversation started.

Finally we reached to the mall and again she went back to the same stage where we started.
I was waiting for long for her to put her phone as she was informing her parents about the office.
“Sorry, I was on call” a voice interrupted after half hrs.
“No problem, its too late shall we go and have something?” i replied.
“I have no mood to have anything”
“No problem, I will have and you just see” i cracked a joke.

We ordered food shared some thought and she kept on telling story about her childhood, schools friends, college friends and her room mate Aparajita.

Finally we started back to return home.
“Raj, shall i ask something?” She asked after a long silence on the bike.
“Yeah!!”
“No leave”
“You can ask” i insisted
“If you don’t mind then only”
“Why should i mind, you can ask” I replied.
“Do you like prarthana?” she asked with a shaking tone
Prarthana was my colleague. I was speechless and my bike speed reduced to 20 from 80 within fraction of second.
“What, why do you think so?” I replied with a furious tone.
“No simply asked. its ok if you don’t want to tel”
“No, you first tell who told you?” I asked her
“I just heard the rumor” She replied in a refusing tone and wanted to change the topic.
“Should i tell you something?” I asked her.
“What?” She replied.

I slowed my bike as low as 10 Kmps.
“I don’t like prarthana, I LIKE YOU!!” I told her
“What? No raj, just tell you are joking.” She replied and i can feel the vibrations in her voice.
“I am not joking, am serious” I replied back
“No, just say you are joking” she again replied in the same tone
“If i would have liked prarthana, why would i roam with you? why would i like spending time with you?” I replied. by the meantime we reached her flat and it was 11.30 night.

She was standing next to me and i can see her face. It was red. her chicks were pink and she was feeling shy.

“This can not happen” She told.
“I din’t ask your reply. I just told you my feelings” I replied back.
“Just think and then reply. i can wait” I continued.
“I know, just tell me you are joking” She was stuck with the joke and insisting me again and again to accept i am joking which i was not.
Finally i said good night and taken leave. she was waiting, i think she don’t want to go back but i had to come.
“Good night” I told her again.
“Oh, ya good night” She replied.
“That was not a joke” I shouted and rode back to my flat.

I was too happy and went to my friends flat my best buddy. I told him everything and that’s how i proposed her “Over the bike!!”

I was thinking about her whole day and whole night. at the same time i was thinking what if it is a no. but again i rewind the moment and felt happy. I was busy for the whole night rewinding and living the moment again and again and again. Finally i decided, if it is a no then also that moment is really worth it.

I was waiting for the reply which did not come for various days. i felt very bad and was thinking to ask her out.
“Shall we go on coffee” I asked her
“When?”
“Today”
“Ok” and again i scheduled another date with her.

we went to coffee and shared a formal discussion. I din’t ask her anything but was waiting eagerly. i came to my flat with that eagerness without any reply. i was very uncomfortable and again went to a confusion state. i was asking questions to myself and convincing myself at the same time.

We were sharing texts and calls sometimes and finally one night i called her. she was out with her friends on a party and did not reply my calls. I went furious and asked my friend preetam to call her and ask where is she by this time. that was around 12.30.
I got to know she reached home and i decided myself not to call or message her again.

“Why the hell she din’t pick my call? Why the hell she din’t replied to my text?” I was struggling with myself and trying to find out the answer which i also really don’t know.
“You should ignore” I got this reply inside my heart of all the questions i asked.
“Yeah, I’ll do that” with a motivation i replied back to myself.

“We will go for a coffee” I pinged her after a week.
“Ok” I got reply as if she was waiting for me to ask.

It was evening and we were in front of each other on coffee.
“What do you think of yourself” I asked her
“Nothing, why?” she replied with a low toned voice.
“I called you multiple times that night. If you don’t want to talk just tell me. why the hell you din’t pick my call?” I asked her.
“I came and kept my phone, couldn’t see your miss call” she replied and that was a white lie that any one could know.
“Its fine” i replied back knowing there is no point discussing.

again we had formal discussion and we returned back. again there were no reply that day also and i thought its alright i should stop worrying about her.

The time started flying and i stopped contacting her. but i couldn’t resist one fine evening. It was a lovely evening and a holiday. I was all alone at my flat and couldn’t stop thinking about her. The weather was also playing with my emotions, it was dizzling outside, a nice fragrance in the air and finally after unable to hold myself i called her.
“Hello” a soft voice.
“Hi, how are you?” I asked
“I am fine, how are you”
“I am not fine” I replied
“Why what happened?” she asked, her tone changed and that gave me a sign she cares for me.
“Nothing, just wanted to have ice-cream. Its a nice weather” i asked her.
“Really, but its cold then why ice-cream?” she asked with a surprised tone.
“I love having ice-cream in cold” I told
“Ok, so when shall we go?” she asked
“Get ready, I’ll come and pick u in a hrs”
“Ok!!”
“Bye, see you” and i kept the phone.

My cell phone started ringing.
“Hello, shall we go some other day??” she asked
“Why, what happened?” I asked
“Actually i got some work” she replied.
“Ok!” i simply replied and disconnected. i felt bad and so do the weather. it rained very heavy. the dizzling converted to a heavy rain and i felt aligned with the weather.
“At least some one is understanding my feelings” I convinced myself.

Around one month passed since i proposed her and she was reacting very wiered at some moment. so finally i decided not to contact her anymore but i was still waiting for the reply. I was convincing myself it will be a yes but again i feel confused at the same time. I started waiting without any contact and i can feel the pain usually any love story describes. All the words of Rome-and-Juliet were coming alive, i started figuring out the meaning of songs, i started understanding the romantic movies. sometimes happy sometimes sad but still waiting for the reply.

to be continued….

Another date…

From that day onward i was confused in myself only. I was asking questions and trying to find a good answer. This was the phase where i have become self talking person.
“Is she having emotion for me?”
“Why did she kept looking at me at the party?”
“Why she came with me on a date?”
“Do i really love her?”
A lot of questions kept on popping all the time. meanwhile i was trying to figure out the way to ask for next date.

As time passed, I was trying to adjust with myself. I stopped going to my friends bay again just to avoid her and overcome my confusion state of mind. But can anyone ever able to control his/her emotions? I was again in the same phase whenever i see her.

I tried everything to come out of this phase but for the first time in my life someone else is driving it.

I just met her once or twice in next 15 days. again silly talks between me and my friend, all assumptions, self convincing to myself and a big confusion was with me. finally one day i asked her:
“Will you mind coming for a Coffee?”
“When?” as if she was waiting for this question.
“Tonight, I just have some work and then will go.” I replied
“Ok!!, I too have some work will leave by 8″ she replied.
“Sure!!” I replied.

I was too happy but having a lot of work so couldn’t realized when the watch tickle at 8.
“Shall we go?” i got a pop up on my screen.
“just 5 mins” I replied with a heavy heart.
“Ok”

After sharp 5 mins i pinged
“Lets go”
“Ok, m coming” she replied.

“Hi” I greeted her
“Hello, How are you?” she replied
“Am fine, How are you?”
“I am fine, so whats the plan? Where are we going?”
“First we will finish some work, then we will go to CCD” I replied.
“Ok!!”

It was 9 when i finished my work.
“Its too late” I told her
“Yeah” she replied.
“Shall we go for dinner?” I approached to be with her for some more time.
“Yeah, I don’t have problem. Where?” she replied.
I paused and thought for a second “She also want to spend time with me, Cool!!” I was happy.
“You tell” I asked her.
“No you tell” she replied.
“There is one good restaurant nearby, i love the food and ambience. lets go there” I told her
“Ok, we will go”.

I started my bike and approached to the restaurant. it was very calm and very few people were there.

“Greetings sir, Greeting madam” The waiter greeted us both.
“Please give us a good place” I asked him.
“Sure sir” and he took us to a table with two chairs. slow music, no crowd and center of the place it was.

I stepped forward and offered her a chair.
“Thank you” She thanked me with a smile for my formality.
“Welcome” I replied.

“Sir what would you like to have” The waiter asked me.
“Give us sometime” I replied him with a smile.
we started talking and sudden i realized its getting late.
“Shall we order first then we will talk?” I asked her.
“Yeah” she replied back.

I called waiter. He forwarded me the menu. i simply slipped that to her and asked her to order.
“No you order” she asked me.
“No you order” I replied. and 10 mins passed in this. finally i took the lead and ordered.

“How many sibling you have?” I continued the conversation.
“3 u?” she replied
“3, what a similarity..:D” i replied.
She smiled, what a killer moment that was for me.
“So, Roshni what you love to do” I asked her for the first time by her name.
“I love dancing” finally i came to know one of her hobby.
“Well, any achievement” I asked.
“Ya, i love to dance in free time. its my hobby and i just enjoy doing it…………i have performed in schools….” and she kept on telling her story.
I was listening like a new reporter, noting each and every word of her mouth.

Finally we realized its too late and we should leave. After paying the bill we came out, where the guard saluted us and took my bike and approached towards her flat to drop her.

“So, what you will do now?” I asked her dropping her at her flat.
“Nothing, just go and sleep” she replied.
“Hmmm, your flatmates won’t ask with whom you were?”
“No, they won’t”
“Well so you guys don’t talk to each other?”
“Nothing like that, actually we had some fight long back regarding this so no one asks.” she replied.
“What kind of fight?” i asked her just to engage and get some more minutes to be with her.
“Actually one day we were roaming in the premises and it was late and my roomie shouted, one of her roomie shouted back and warned not to interfare” She replied.
She use to stay with her 3 other flatmates.
“Hmmmm” I nodded with a blank face.
“Ok then, I have to go” I told her
“Ok, good night” She replied.
“good night, bye, sweet dreams” I replied back and started from there without wasting a moment. I don’t want to see her running back to her apartment again like an unknown person to me and get hurt.

I came back home and was very happy. again i was in a mode of self question answer session. but there was very less confusion now. the next day was a charming day for me. I was searching her for the whole day just to say “Hi!!” and finally i conveyed my Hi in the evening when i met her on the stairs.

“You are still here in office?” she asked me
“Yeah, I’ll leave in some time, When will you leave?” I asked
“I am leaving”
“Oh, Anyway i am also leaving in 5 mins. if you don’t mind I can drop you?” I replied back
“No its fine” She replied.
“Ok then” I told and moved towards my cubicle to continue my work. i was about to leave in 5 mins but i left after 2 hrs.

“Shall we go for coffee” I pinged her after couple of days.
“When?” She replied as if she was waiting for the moment.
“Tomorrow”
“Sure”
“ok” I typed and continue my work waiting eagerly for tomorrow.

to be continued…..

Asking for a Date

From that day onward’s, I used to visit my friend’s bay just to take a look of her. She was in other team and colleague of my close friend.

Next day, i went. “Hey, hello dude! how are you! wassup…!!” a formal hello to my friend in a louder tone, just to get her attention. I still remember it was an evening and she was busy with the ‘Idiot Box’ doing some sort of testing.

Just a look, then again back to idiot box her face towards her desktop screen. I felt like i lost something and with a sorrow heart i just came from there.

After couple of days, It was an evening and i was leaving for the day. Suddenly i saw her, wow.!!! my friend had a formal talk while i was just looking at her. they greeted bye to each other and she left.

I was standing in the bay and thinking what to do next and the very next moment my friend shouted at me “Go man, Go, Give her a company and initiate the friendship. enough of one sided love, emotion. Go….”. the very next moment i was out of the bay on the footpath talking to her. I was surprised from where this energy came and i appeared before her.

“Hi!!”
“Hello” She replied.

After a long silence, I initiated again:
“How’s work going on”.
“Yeah, its boring” a two word reply.

“Well, so this is the time you go home”.
“yeah usually” again a two word reply. And our destination to separate reached. it was bus stop. The bus destined to her stop came and in a hurry she got in saying a formal “Bye” to me.

I felt alone again, and continued towards my destination. that night was a night full of mixed feeling. I was talking to myself.

“Should i approach her?”
“Should i continue the formal discussion?”
“Is she ignoring me?”
And several questions i woke up with. That morning was not exciting for me. with a heavy heart i got ready and continued to office.

Couple of days passed and i controlled myself. I stopped going to my friends cubicle just to keep myself calm and not see her.

A fine evening my friend came to me.
“Hey man”.
“Hey buddy” i replied.
“Now a days you seems too busy” he complained.
“Why?” i asked.
“You don’t come to my cubicle at all”.
“Nothing like that.” I tried changing the conversation. But that day he was in mood to ask each and everything. He was my best pal in the office and one of the best buddies in life.

I couldn’t resist much and told everything to him.
“Dude, I like the girl in your team. But it seems she is not interested and just to avoid that i don’t come to you.” i told.
“So, this means i am no one. just to avoid that girl you don’t visit your best pal”. At that moment i felt very bad and asked for an apology. at the same time i promised him “I’ll visit, I am sorry”

The very next day i went to him.

“Hey!!” I heard this voice in middle of our discussion. this interrupt was none other than the lady herself.
“I got an issue here” she continued. mean while she gave a spy look once or twice.
what else i expect to fall in love again. and I was gone. I couldn’t resist myself and then i usually visit to his place just to take a glimpse of hers.

Meantime i keep on checking her reactions and found she is one of the confused creation of GOD.

“Hey buddy, enough of staring and all. let’s plan something” I told my friend.
“Ok!! let me plan for a movie” He replied back.
and we continued our chat making several plans and moving on to the next plan. I still remember that night full of planning but unfortunately nothing got executed.

“Would you like to come for a coffee?” After so many days, I skyped her at around 6 o’clock seeing her online.
“When?” reply bumped on my screen instantly as if she was waiting for this question.
“Now, after office.” I replied within fraction of seconds and was waiting eagerly for the reply. My heart was beating so fast that i could hear my heart-beat like “Dhak-Dhak..”
“Not today” The reply bumped into my screen. My heart stopped beating at that moment. i became feeling-less. i was shouting at myself “Why did you ask her”.
“Ok!!” i typed with a heavy heart.
“We can go some other time” a reply on my screen that i was least interested in.
I switched off my desktop and left at the very next moment from office with a heavy mood.

“Hi , shall we go for a coffee” a very unexpected message on my skype pumped around afternoon after few days. I was least bothered about that after that evening. I was mixed with full emotions and started thinking “what should i reply?” “Should i tell yes?” so many questions in my mind.

Finally, after so many discussion with myself i typed “When?”.
“Today evening” i got a reply.
“Yes!!” i replied and felt very happy. I know how i spent that afternoon. Inspite of so many work i was waiting for that evening.

“Shall we go” I typed and my fingers were shaking, heart was beating so loud that my colleague can hear its beat.
“Yes, in 5 mins” and that 5 mins was like years to me.

We started, and ended up at CCD.
“What would you like to have” i asked her.
“Anything”
“Anything means”
“Whatever you like”
“I like cold coffee”
“Ok then, I’ll have cold coffee too”

I ordered for two cold coffees.
“How’s work going on” I asked to initiate the discussion.
“Yeah, lots of issues” she replied.
I was waiting for another sort of discussion that could help me knowing each other.
It was my first date with the lady of “Love at first site”. I was shy, uncomfortable but trying to adjust myself and trying to be friendly.
“I have heard your name long with my friend but that time i was not knowing you” i told her to start further discussion.
“Oh, yes we are roomies” she replied.
“So where are you from”
“Jharkhand” A confident reply came from her end.
“Well so you are from a place of bush and goat..:D” i cracked  a joke to lighten the moment.
“No, nothing like that. its a very developed place. proper colonised……” She kept on explaining and putting her point to convince me its not what i think.
Finally i told her i was just joking and then she felt relaxed.
That moment was so funny and precious for me.

Finally after one and half hrs. my first date ended and the time had come to drop her to her flat.

“Bye” i told her dropping at her home.
“Bye, good night” She replied and rushed toward gate.

I felt surprised, no formal communication nothing. I again felt like stranger. Finally i started bike and returned back to my flat with a mixed set of emotion.
She left me in a confused state. That night i was extremely happy thinking about that precious one and half hrs.

to be continued……

Love at First Sight

The time goes on and on but only one thing remains unchanged is the memory. The memory which reminds you everything and you feel it was just yesterday.

I still remember the day..oops it was not the day it was a beautiful evening and the occasion was my friends birthday. he asked me “Would you go and pick up the girl for the party”.t

I was quite hesitant, not because she was a girl because i was not knowing her. I told “is it necessary i should go, can’t you go and pick her up”.

“No yaar, you go i have to pick other friends as well, please a small favor”.

I was quite hesitated but told yes i will go. after the discussion we waived each other, i started my bike and took my way to the destination “To pick up my future girl whom i was not knowing yet”.

It was evening around 7 o’ clock. the lift opened at the 7th floor and i stepped out with one of her room-mate or a temporary guide to me  :P.

she pushed the doorbell and a beautiful face opened a door with a smile and confusion, yes she was expecting someone known but an unknown face was there for her.

I saw her for the first time and then i felt what is “Love At First Sight”. I thanked my friend at that very moment of time for asking me to do this favor :D. we greeted a “hi” and i was waiting for her to get ready.

After some 5 mins we came down without having a single word of conversation. I started bike and asked her to sit. she was struggling with her camera and purse to adjust. I asked “You can put your stuff in my bag” the another piece of conversation.

she adjusted her stuff & herself and we rode to the destination “the birthday party”.

All other friends were already present & finally we started giving orders & pulling each others legs. the party was going on and i noticed this girl was looking at me at a constant timeout. I was knowing everyone there except this girl and she was knowing only the birthday boy.

The constant staring of her sparkled my love to the very next level within an hour of meet. finally the party ended and i dropped her to her flat with a formal “Good Night!!!”. she just replied and rushed towards her flat as she didn’t care who i was leaving me in a confused state.

Finally i came back with a mixed emotion & a lovely feeling. I still remember that night. I was simply remembering all the things like a music system, rewind play and listen your favorite song again and again and again. That’s how i passed that night.

The very next morning i got up early and rushed to the office, it was not an excitement of work but it was an eagerness to see her again, to talk to her.

to be continued………..